Howard Stern and Nancy Pelosi

We may be closer to discovering why a nation that voted for change last Tuesday is rabidly on the hunt for Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi's bra size today (and see: you thought it was going to be a boring day).

It appears that the secret lies with the Sirius broadcast of the King of All Media, the Dean of All Dirty Jokes, and the Scourge of All Ukrops: Howard Stern. Apparently, Mr. Stern has made mention on his broadcast, something to the effect, that Speaker-elect Pelosi has, well, rather large cans (and in fact, even calling into question their source -- i.e., whether by mother or by doctor).

And Stern, always at the forefront of any large can controversy -- really, he's the Meriwether Lewis of Ta Ta's, the Sir Edmund Hillary of Nay Nay's -- has not been one to shy away from this story -- unlike, say, many of your corporate media types, who -- and I guess this is irony -- answer to The Man (who, like any man, must answer to The Wo-Man, who, as of Tuesday, is Nancy Pelosi).

I, incidentally, inadvertently found out about this query because my site has received numerous hits from google searches for:

"nancy pelosi" "bra size"
or, for instance,
nanci [sic] pelosi's bra size

And, after about the thirtieth one, I figured so many searches couldn't be random: there had to be some kind of organization behind it all. And so, having posted a plea last Friday for some soul out there to provide an answer, I received two: one in the form of a reply from anonymous commenter JB, pointing me in the direction of Stern's show, and a second in the form of a link to my site from a discussion forum on the main online support network for Howard Stern fans (commenting about how it was most likely his Word that had wrought such googling). Thus, any possibility that, in a moment somewhat ironic, they were looking for her "brain size" was erased: They wanted to know the size of the Bosom-elect's Speakers.

However, it's not by decree that Howard's Sternatics have accepted this Fellowship of the Bra. It would appear that they've merely taken his remarks and run with them: That, prompted by nothing but zeal for their prophet, they have gone on a quest: The Quest for Nancy Pelosi's Bra Size.

And while such a thing is funny to think about and then easy to dismiss (and wonder, say, what's for dinner), it's not going to be funny when the Speaker-elect spots interns examining her shopping bags or strangers quizzing her on the streets: doing, generally, whatever it takes (so long as 'whatever' is near their Sirius link-up) to uncover the size of the most powerful pair in America and determine whether, for instance, she's a D or C cup (and, by the way, I have no idea what those letters mean, other than that one means bazoom! and the other means baZOOM!!).

These are Howard Stern fans, after all, and they don't quit. They, unfortunately, have come into possession of the One Ring of comedy: 'Don't worry: It'll be funny again.' Just keep at something, day after day, night after night and no matter HOW many people you piss off, "Don't worry: It'll be funny again" (which, from their perspective, it always was). And if you don't believe me, just call up any radio show host around the country, and one with a sizeable national audience, and ask him or her what he or she thinks of Howard Stern -- and that's, really, all you have to say -- and then gauge his or her reaction. (It's about what you would expect from a Skynyrd fan at a Smiths show.)

And whereas you might naturally assume that I, lover of all things pornographic and dirty, would be in favor of such information, I am not: because, you see, once they have their answer and broadcast it, the late night airwaves and every two-bit standup comedian won't stop with the jokes about "the most powerful boobs in America ... now that Rumsfeld's gone!" [Rimshot!] (And if you think that Leno won't saddle a dead horse with some chestnut about her bra size and which man she wants as her "whip," then you, my friend, are a fool).

So, you see, it's not just the Speaker's privacy I'm thinking about: it's America and her right to not be abused by corny one-liners (outside of a Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, of course).

But only one person can take charge of this situation before it becomes unmanageable, and that one person is Speaker-elect Pelosi. However, to date she's done nothing. And if she continues to take this threat lightly or believes that her secret is already well-protected, then she hasn't learned the first rule of the 21st century: that once you allow it to gather steam, it's damn near impossible to beat a determined insurgency.

Today's lesson: I don't know why people care that Stern did or didn't gloss over his use of sexual and racial humor in 'Private Parts': I mean, doesn't everyone do that when they become famous?

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