Merry Christmas from JFK

Greetings from the trailer park and lawn chairs that are the boarding terminal for Gate 19 for Jet Blue. The airline's official terminal will be completed sometime soon, they tell us, but until then, it's like waiting to see whether your application for asylum will be approved.

HJ, as you may well have guessed, is on Christmas vacation and, as such, will be posting somewhat less frequently over the course of the following week. There will be the odd post detailing the aggravating circumstances surrounding buying Christmas presents for about 20-plus relatives on a budget and one about the amount of salty Virginal ham I will eat on Christmas Day. But the regular saturation bombing of my life via this column (through which you no doubt live vicariously) will not resume until sometime next Thursday.

Until then, enjoy Christmas or any of the many varieties of Channa-Hanna-Upsilon-ikah.

Take care,

John

Today's lesson: Oh, also a greetings to our Islamic terrorist buddies who've made the nightmare no longer the flight but every liquid and shoe-removal leading up to departure. I'm also going to blame you for the death of the Hot Stewardess and her replacement by flunkouts of gay hairdresser school.

No one's as dumb as our graduates!

Interboro is the name of a technical college here in New York City. And its current ad campaign on subways lists, along with a variety of reasons to enroll, a picture and name of a random, alleged, graduate. And next to that testimonial is the ad slogan, "If they can do it, so can you!"

Now, there’s no biography listed with these people; no reason to think that they overcame great odds and received their degree despite a mountain of hardships, and are now a success somewhere -- and if they can make it, then so can you. No, it just has their smiling faces, their names, and a slogan that says, “If they can do it, so can you!” Or, as I read it, “If these dumb shits can do it, well, who can’t?”

And, just a few days ago, in fact, I was riding the subway and spotted two of these ads side-by-side. And, still getting a chuckle from the slogan, I decided to see just which dumb shits to whom I and the rest of the subway car were being compared. And do you know whose pictures accompanied the ads? Which random persons to whom you, I, and about a million more subway riders are intellectually superior in all manner, shape and form?

Why, that of an African immigrant and a blonde, of course.

And if THEY can do it ...

Today's lesson: I wish I had written down the immigrant man’s name because it made “Dikembe” or “Kunta Kinte” sound like “Ralph,” as if they were whispering: “Psst, he’s foreign”.

BS from the BS master

Hungover and strewn out on the couch yesterday afternoon, I thought many fine, wonderful thoughts. Regretably, Hot Johnny is a family publication and these are the only ones fit for print. Enjoy.

• I have a great idea for a new cartoon. It’s about the adventures of Tinkle, the abortion clinic-bombing puppy. I figure it’s sure to be a hit, because: Who hates puppies?
• Ever drank a lot of beer or ate a lot of green vegetables and then the next day had to sit in an auditorium and was expected to observe periods of prolonged silence? It’s like if Broken Lizard, the guys who brought us “Super Troopers” and “BeerFest,” had remade “Run Silent, Run Deep.”
• Microwaved bacon has no soul, and I won’t allow it in the house. Microwaved burritos, on the other hand …

Today’s lesson: The inventor of the delivery menu is unsung as a hero to modern western civilization.