A.D.D.ing it on a Sunday

If you were talking to me at any point on Sunday afternoon or evening, there is a 90 per cent chance that I was half paying attention to what you were saying.

However, there is a 10 per cent chance that while you were talking, the following thoughts were floating through my brain:

• I could understand it if aliens just walked into a bar one day and assumed the word “Bacardi” had many definitions: bar napkin holder, T-shirt, wet T-shirt. I’d probably think the same thing myself.
• One conversation I had on Sunday reminded me of a joke I had made to myself, long, long ago: If your last name is “Rogers,” then your porn name is automatically “Butt Rogers”.
• The football ticker read: “Browns 7 Pittsburgh 27 – receiving, Pit: Washington, 67 Yards”. And, being the immense Redskins fan that I am, I immediately thought, “Well, that’s probably the last time this season I’m to see ‘Washington’ and ‘Win’ in the same sentence.”
• Standing outside a bar and smoking a cigarette, I couldn’t help but notice the black filters on the air conditioners in the windows of the building across the street and thinking, “Wow, it’s like a bunch of robots are mooning me.” And then I started to compose the screenplay for “Robot Fraternity” in my head.
• Are you dispensing soap or are you giving a robot a handjob? You be the judge.
• Why this sudden popularity for Stella Artois? Does Paul Giamatti have a new film I don’t know about?

Today’s lesson: The definition for “bright, shiny thing” is rapidly expanding in the world of Hot Johnny.

My latest brilliant idea

From time to time I like to share my immense knowledge on the subject of “Things” with my audience (which is, every day, coming more and more to resemble those “army of one” recruitment posters you see in the subways).

Past entries have detailed my solution for mideast peace (start a crack epidemic); the all-female Christian rock act I plan to form and manage (GodSlut!); and a bunch of other humorous, albeit useless, solutions to things that may or may not have ever really been a problem.

My latest grand creation is the Bardega. And what this is, essentially, is a bodega but with a bar in the back: because who among us hasn’t found himself wanting a salami and bacon sandwich with extra salt at three o’clock in the morning? I figure, bodegas have plenty of beer, they just need some stools and it’s Go Time.

Another way to think of it is that the bardega would become the mullet of the drinking world: It’s business up front and a party in the back.

Well, that’s it, really, in all it’s glory: The idea that will one day make some smart entrepreneur hundreds, literally, hundreds of dollars.

Today’s lesson: The bardega should not be confused with the Edgar Degas: one’s an Impressionist while the other is more dada.

MP3 Friday

The gods have blessed us with yet another MP3 Friday, which means that yours truly had to go out and actually find the little buggers.

Honestly, there really aren’t that many talented bands out there. Maybe five. At some point, I’m going to hope you haven’t heard of Big Star so I can pass them off as “new”.

Don’t get me wrong. I like doing MP3 Friday. But, man, the work that goes into it: all that sitting on your ass and smoking cigarettes and drinking beers and then you add listening to music on top of that – well, it’s tough, man.

But, as usual, we have three caveats here on MP3 Friday.

• There are some bands and record labels – hacks mostly – who think mp3’s are like cameras and will steal their souls. If that sounds like you – and if it is, then you’ve probably got your urine up on the shelf in jars – then I’ll remove the links.
• The second is that these are merely links to mp3’s. I don’t host them here and so if you’re late to the game, then I guess the Nintendo kids are going to be pointing at the Atari kids and laughing.
• The third is that I’m a poseur and download singles because I ain’t got the money for the mortgage on the cow let alone a whole friggin’ album. Thus, I vouch for the song and only the song. The album could be honeydew melon for all I know, but honeydew melon costs money, sugar. And I ain’t gots.

Well, that’s about it. Enjoy.

BUSDRIVER

Casting Agents and Cowgirls

Don’t let the black people catch you bopping up and down to this song. They have enough on us as is without you making us look like a bunch of jackasses.

JOHNNY RANDOM

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

Sure, you’ve heard this ditty from the “Nut Cracker Suite” a thousand million billion times before. But have you ever heard a 40-second clip of it played on bicycle parts? I thought not. (Syd Barrett would definitely approve.)

MENOMENA

Muscles ‘n’ Flo

When I listen to this song, all i can think of is the German-sounding Plutonian from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force", holding his "baggie" and asking Frylock, “Are you cool?” It may not seem obvious at first, but just let it go ...

LIARS

A Visit from Drum

Best not to go on a coke binge prior to listening to this band’s brand of primal drumming and paranoia. Afterwards, sure.

ROBERT POLLARD

Love is Stronger Than Witchcraft

Songs like this used to flood the Top 40. What the fuck happened?

MISSION OF BURMA

2wice

This group disbanded in 1983 and reformed twenty years later and did what “Phantom Menace”, “Superman III”, and “Hamlet II: Panama City” couldn’t: Not suck. (And, by the way, this song is a candidate for cranking it up to 11).

And I strongly, STRONGLY suggest you take a gander at Gorilla vs. Bear’s Top 5 re-issues of the year. Eclectic, but will satisfy that early ‘70s sweet tooth you might have.

Today’s lesson: Thank you to the many mp3 bloggers who, unbeknownst to them, are making me look like King Shit:

• Music for Maniacs
• You ain’t no Picasso
• FoeWeel !!! ???
• gorilla vs. bear
• aquarium drunkard

Thanks and have a great weekend.