The underwhelming truth about 'balanced tickets'

We're hearing an awful lot of late about Joe Biden and his foreign policy chops -- not to mention, his lunch-pail Catholic background (or, what passes for such in DC) -- and how, collectively, those qualities will help “balance the ticket” for the Dems.

What we haven't heard much about is how the whole “balance the ticket” philosophy is a tired load of crap. Rare is it that the Veep half of the ticket brings the experience or youthful appeal the yakkers and the gawkers say it will. In fact, a casual stroll through the wonderful, colorful world of VP candidates of recent past demonstrates that if Biden does live up to the promise, he would be the exception and not the rule:

2004 – John Edwards (D) – Edwards was picked because he brought a youthful appeal, the party base, and a Southern charm to the ticket. Instead, he couldn't even carry his own home state of North Carolina. In fact, “the solid south” expanded to include Ohio and Nevada during this election. And with recent events involving a mistress and possible love-child -- plus, plenty of history to suggest a trip to the White House only emboldens a cheater -- an Edwards vice-presidency might have given Karl Rove that permanent congressional majority he was after.

GRADE: D+

2000 – Joe Lieberman (D) – It may not seem like it, but at the time of this election, America would have liked the Clinton Years better had he not been a part of them (something to do with blowjobs and an existential crisis over “to be or not to be”). And so when his VP, Al Gore, ran for the presidency, Gore picked a Democrat who had spoken out against his president's penchant for anything with a heartbeat – the thinking being that such a move would appeal to voters whose morals were red but pocketbooks were blue. Instead, the Democrats began a precedent, continued by Edwards, of nominating VPs they're glad never won.

GRADE: D

2000 – Dick Cheney (R) – George W. Bush was an affable, compassionate conservative running for president, a man whose only drawback was a total lack of foreign policy acumen combined with a general disdain for intellectual curiosity. Oh, and a long work-day could run as late as 5 p.m. Enter Dick Cheney, a sober-minded former Defense Secretary under Daddy Bush and Chief of Staff under Gerald Ford: a man who would provide this ticket with the hard work, wizened leadership, and foreign policy gravitas it so desperately needed. And, to be fair, that's what happened for about the first 9 months.

GRADE: F

1996 – Jack Kemp (R) – Bob Dole wanted a GOP Bill Clinton as his running mate: someone who adhered to the party's economic orthodoxy but had a reputation for bold plans that reached out to traditionally non-GOP voting blocs. And so, he turned to Kemp, a likeable New York congressman and former pro-footballer and a man to match the moment. And had they run against a Gore/Clinton ticket instead, the scheme might have worked. Unfortunately for the Republicans, they learned this election year the low wattage that is “VP appeal.”

GRADE: B+

1992 – Al Gore (D) – One of the better picks by a candidate, Gore was Spock to Clinton's Captain Kirk, always thinking of the needs of the many; not the needs of the few, or the one, which happened to live in Clinton's pants. And it worked. Sure, that, probably more than Katherine Harris, cost Gore the 2000 election, but Clinton survived. And that's the important thing, right?

GRADE: A

1988 – Dan Quayle (R) – Where to start. “Potatoe”? “You are no Jack Kennedy?” Well, at least he stuck it to “Murphy Brown” in 1992. That show was just not funny.

GRADE: C-

1988 – Lloyd Bentsen (D) – Like some men with a fetish for redheads or Asians, the Democrats have a jones for youthful, bold JFK-types (ahem). And so, as a part of that fantasy this election year, they grabbed themselves a wizened Texan senator of southern appeal for the bottom half of the ticket – proving yet again that two out of three ain't bad but one out of two is.

GRADE: C

1984 – Geraldine Ferraro (D) – You're former Vice President Walter Mondale (yes, I know, the shivers are going up my spine, too). You need a gimmick now that the economy's no longer in the crapper and you're so, well, boring. So, you nominate the first woman EVER on a major party ticket. True, she's an inexperienced, three-term congresswoman from Queens who initially refuses to release her husband's tax returns during the campaign – possibly to disguise the fact that he has a lot of ties with the mob but not enough with the IRS (This ain't 1960, lady). But – and this is an important “but” – she's a woman. So it's fine, right? (Incidentally, this pick, combined with that of Quayle and Lieberman, proves that former Vice Presidents running for the top spot have bad taste in themselves.)

GRADE: D

1980 – George H.W. Bush (R) – An unexciting if unifying pick, without Bush, there probably would never have been a Jim Baker to save America from itself for the past 28 years. Then again, there would be no George W. Bush either.

GRADE: A, but then F

Today's lesson: So what's the answer for John McCain and the Future Contenders of America for how to make a VP pick? Simple. Be sure that "dull" or "well-meaning" is what balances your ticket. Oh, and Convention delegates should never be afraid to keep the Veep but ditch the other guy -- because, sometimes, that's your only shot.