A highly immodest proposal

The way I figure it, a serial killer who goes out and murders tens of thousands -- or perhaps hundreds of thousands -- of baby boomers the moment they retire and begin to collect Social Security and Medicare, would be doing more to right the nation's upcoming budget woes than either of the plans currently offered by the two presidential candidates. And perhaps for that reason, it is an idea we should consider, as possibly the most effective, to battle the growing problem over entitlements.

Serial killers, after all, are agents of change. And change always scares people, but serial killers are people like you and me, often very friendly. They are just so tired of the bullshit that they go out and cut through the red tape to effect a radical brand of social change. They're not about hollow speeches or playing one group off another -- the usual M.O. of the partisan hack. Serial killers generally know how to build the lines of communication with people; how to isolate those who would fight against them; and then how to do what they feel must be done.

Admittedly, they're going to have to get over a black eye they've given themselves, what with always focusing their efforts on women and homosexuals, to the exclusion of all others. But they are the likeliest of candidates to broaden their base, for they are the oracle of millions of voices that speak in unison of this unpardonable act and that unforgivable sin. And if only we could refocus their uniquely composited minds, I think we could turn a minus into a plus.

So if any of you reading this today ARE serial killers, I'd like to go through a list of reasons why you will achieve the psychological gratification you need if you both widen and narrow your reach to baby boomers of ALL stripes, races and creeds:

• baby boomers are, basically, hippies and hippies are the parents of hipsters. that's one.


• baby boomers gave us George W. Bush – a president even serial killers are against.


• baby boomers also gave us Bill Clinton, who, while no George W. Bush, is still kind of a self-centered douche bag.


• serial killers often are motivated by socioeconomic humiliation in their childhood and so I'd just like to point out that baby boomers at the top-end of the earnings scale still expect to draw on social security despite the fact the don't need it and that that money will be coming out of the taxes of everyone else – including serial killers.


• baby boomers like to bully people a lot – and I know how much you serial killers hate a bully. For instance, baby boomers like to bully people into accepting a history of themselves and their icons that just isn't true. Hippies, for instance, had nothing to do with ending the Vietnam War – though they probably did contribute to Nixon's landslide victory in 1972 – and, I'm sorry, but had Robert F. Kennedy lived, he still would have been trounced by Hubert Humphrey at the convention.


• now, this one may make sense only to serial killers: baby boomers are responsible for bed-wetting until age 11.

Of course, not all serial killers are created equal. the kind we need for this quest is referred to as the missionary serial killer, a man or woman who believes that his acts have a cleansing effect on humanity. Gary Ridgeway, AKA the Green River killer, felt he was doing society a favor killing (mostly) prostitutes. Likewise, Aileen Wournos felt the same by murdering those who frequent prostitutes. And as both examples prove, the missionary serial killer is a well-remembered figure among media accounts in the case of the former or a favorite of film critics come Oscar time in the case of the latter. And, so, that's something to think about, serial killers: posterity.

In fact, if you think of it that way, the serial killer who “hears” this calling is likely to be provided for, better than most of us who will have to live with the onslaught of retiring baby boomers.

Today's lesson: Swift would have us eat them. But I say no. Despite high commodity prices, no one is really going hungry. And second, if you've ever had a barbecue and bought way more hamburger meat than you needed and ended up eating hamburger for the next two weeks, well, you know why it's just not necessary. Third, if we do it now, we're going to have set a precedent for doing it again when its time to kill some hipsters. And those kids just don't have any meat on their bones.